20SUMNS: Introducing Trevor

I met this man on Tinder and he seemed nice enough on the app. The first time we spoke was on FT actually, and I remember the convo being long and engaging. We had a lot in common in regards to our dating experiences. Within our first few convos homeboy tells me that he has a child and I am immediately a little hesitant, but we were having a nice time chatting and decided to go out.

I had never dated anyone with a child up until this point. But, I liked talking to friend and decided to keep an open mind because you can never really judge a person's situation. However, I felt a situation where I would want to date someone with a kid would have to be pretty nuanced and specific. No matter the case, it was really a double edged sword I was trying to navigate. Of course a man not being an active and participating part of his child's life would turn me off, but I am also a lover of quality time and would personally feel slighted if our time would ever have to be interrupted or cut short due to his kid, baby mother, etc. Again, hard to navigate...but worth the try, I suppose. I had a lot of fun with him on our first couple of dates. They were active and different than just dinner, drinks, the usual. We went to Pin and Proper, a cool adult gaming/arcade venue and went bowling and I enjoyed myself on both dates.

Now homeboy was born and raised in Atlanta. I am not going to say anything else about that. As we were getting to know each other, I started to get more details about what he did for work. When we first spoke he originally told me he did a lot of traveling warehouse work...cool. Soon found him to be the plug and this was very convenient! No judgement and good bud for cheap? I'm not about to knock it, but somehow we also got on the subject of the "money the government was just giving out" due to the pandemic. Okayyy, no problems here, but he soon gets into details about how a homeboy of his got $20,000 for "unemployment" and how he was trying to do what friend did to also get the money. Strike one. He was reading me an email on his phone from the Department of whatever whatever in ILLINOIS. He mentions how they blocked his account in regards to him getting unemployment. "Yeah, I got this email saying something about fraudulent activity and I don't know why." I'm looking like...

Yeah, fraudulent...maybe because you're trying to apply for unemployment in a state you don't live in??? We were about to get into debate about how ya know…the government was giving that money out for a REASON. However, I was not about to get into a tiff about scamming with a scammer. I did not care enough. His plans had been stopped and I deemed it really none of my business, so we moved forward.

On maybe our 3rd or 4th date, I invited him over for us to work on a paint by numbers together and just chill. We were having a nice time and things were going well until about an hour into the date where he gets a phone call...it is from his mother. You know how sometimes you answer the phone and the volume is up or the person on the other end is just loud af, so you can hear them? Well, his own momma is going OFF about how he needs to "step up." Strike two. Date ruined. Why is your own mother telling you to do better in regards to your child? In having awkward convo after the phone call, he brings up his baby mother, which I was very confused about. Because honeyyy, this is not her fault and has nothing to do with her. Your momma is calling YOU. I didn't like that. I think I was over the situation at that point, but in typical Bri fashion, I did like his company and had a hard time being honest about how from that point on we should just be friends. Another strike had to come before I acted on what I already knew...

We had a double date incident that went terribly (that I'll get into in another post) but it led to conversation about a few things that he felt I was "judging" him for. First, his friend on said double date made him look like an idiot. I simply told him that. That maybe being friends with somebody just because you use to ball together in high school, may not be the best reason to keep someone close. A friend who on a FIRST meeting has tarnished your name with a woman you supposedly liked. I'll be damned if any of my best friends purposely made me look bad in front of a guy they knew I liked. I don't know, maybe I'm different, maybe I was judging...but I just wanted him to think about why his "friend" would do him like that. Secondly, people who have kids tend to think that someone who doesn't have kids should not be able to comment on parenting and I just do not agree. I may not be a parent, but I along with everyone else on the planet certainly have parents and I think it's silly to think a person can not have a say so on that when they have been raised and have had experiences with this type of relationship. I don't think judgment and commentary are the same thing.

Homeboy was talking about taking me to Miami while also talking about how his 3 year old couldn't talk. A baby who is glued to an iPad, pawned off on his mom while he is with me, even though he is only with him a couple times a week. Priorities seemed a little off and I think me mentioning these things to him made him self reflect in a way that made him uncomfortable. So, it was just easier to pin me as a judgmental person. These were problems that were too deep for me to be a part of. We parted ways after that double date and decided we would be better off as friends.

Lessons Learned

1. We all know dating is really difficult, but any extra relationships to navigate make it THAT much harder. There are many external relationships to juggle with someone who has a child. (The kid, the coparent, the grandparents, etc? I still wouldn't say a person having a kid is a deal breaker for me, but like I mentioned before...the parameters of the situation would have to be damn near perfect. While, I'd be open to exceptions, when it comes to dating someone with a child, I think I'd rather not.

2. Association brings on assimilation and the company you keep says way more about you than most people like to think.

3. Maybe I am judgmental? I had to dive deeper into this critique and get an understanding of how to navigate new relationships in a way where I could be honest about my opinions without making a person feel like I was against them or putting them down.

But, some things for you to ponder...How do you feel about dating someone with a kid? If you have kids, how do you navigate dating? I want to have more dialogue with people who have children and are dating and how they balance it all.

Everyone is deserving of love. Everyone comes with baggage. Having an idea of who you are and moving in that space, make navigating these types of situation easier, because I know it can work. You just have to be the kind of person willing to work it or put in the work.