Updated: Apr 26
This is a tough one, but let's get into it! It was love at first sight. I still vividly remember the first time I saw him. We were at a panel about social media and dating and he was answering a question that was posed to the audience. So eloquent, so well spoken and I just thought he was the finest thing I had seen up until that point in college. I wouldn't say I had a type, but if I did...it would have been him. Though I was immediately attracted, of course I was too afraid at the time to speak. I left the panel with nothing but him on my mind.
A couple weeks later, I happened to be standing next to him in line for GSU's most anticipated events at the time, a Panther Prowl. We actually spoke! *melts* I cannot remember the conversation, but we found that we had mutual friends through my sorority and I was elated. Now, I had a way in and could get the scoop from my soror. I enjoyed the party having had a 5 minute conversation with who I knew was the love of my life and just had a gut feeling we would cross paths again. I didn't know when and I didn't mind not having the specifics, because I KNEW we would see each other again. Anyone who knows me, knows I really have the patience of a saint. I pride myself on that. So here is where the universe stepped in...
I was in an area of GSU hanging up signs for the organization I worked for at the time. It was apparently an area of campus that he rarely walked through, but this day...he was passing and saw me with the signs and stopped me. I was so happy to see him again and he informed me that the signs I was putting up had the date of his birthday. We chatted for a little while before he asked for my number to stay in touch. The God I serveee.
We parted ways and were in communication a few days later. I was able to ask our mutual friend about him, learned some new info, and it wasn't long before we had our first date planned. Now of course, being broke college students and having mutuals made me comfortable enough to invite him to my apartment for our first date. We agreed he would buy the groceries and I would cook. He came over looking SO good and I used his groceries to make some basic Alfredo, but we enjoyed it. Had a great time. He made me laugh nonstop, without even trying. He asked so many attentive questions, made me ask questions and kept me very entertained. I remember him making me think, teaching me about things I didn't know about and pretty soon the chatting stopped. Y'all already know. Our physical chemistry was interstellar. Once the train got rolling it was very hard to stop and I soon ushered him out knowing that we were going to devour each other if I hadn't.
He was all I could think about. That date played in my mind over and over until we met again. We had several more amazing dates after. We had a sushi date and attempted to go bowling after. Had a date at Magic City, yes it was...magic and we saw each other a few more times following, but of course we were both still trying to play it cool. In that annoying ass ambiguous space where we definitely fuck with each other, but not in a space vulnerable enough to admit to each other how we felt. (Or how I thought we felt). We had been intimate at this point, but were both denying it happened for a minute just because we both knew it happened too soon. Then came THE event. So, we both were at Georgia Tech at an event that was being hosted by the Nupes there. Shimmy Like a Nupe, I believe the event was. Of course they had an after party we both ended up at, but up until this point we had not spoken. At the after party at Suite Lounge, he finally approached me. Intoxicated and asked what I was doing after. "What do you want me to be doing after?" We knew what time it was. He came to my place after, we had a nice night, but what was especially memorable was the next day. His 23rd birthday. We were in my bed talking the entire day. We did not get up and get out of bed until it was time for dinner. To this day, I have not had intimate conversation for as long, ever. The fact that he spent his whole birthday with me meant a lot and after that I knew I wanted him to be mine. It could have all been so easy, but y'all can probably already guess bullshit was on the horizon.
You recall we had a mutual friend? A turn up queen to say the least. Loved it. She hit me up about having a game night and I was down! I was having a nice night with a FRIEND and we went back to my place to host the game night that she invited the guests for...unbeknownst to me, Nathan was one. I could see the look on his face when he walked in and saw me with another guy, but again we were just friends. He felt a way, but had also jumped to a lot of conclusions. Once he saw me with homeboy, he decided he was going to be ALL OVER another friend of the mutual that was invited...and I mean ALL OVER. I played it cool though because I could tell he was just trying to make me jealous, save face, whatever. Doing the most. He wasn't even the type to be in a girl grill like that. So I didn't take it to heart (entirely) but it did stir up a little drama because it of course came to the forefront that what he had with me was different and eventually ended up having to explain that to homegirl whose face he was in that night. Fast forward, because of our mutual friend he was at my place for the turn ups often. 2015-2016 at my apartment (1202) was a timeee. If you know, you know. (Included the only pic I could find for nostalgia's sake).
Anyways, a week or two later, I ended up having yet another impromptu college party that he showed up to. The Alphas were having their conference in Atlanta, so the Alpha/ SGRho link up after party was at my place. He was there, felt a way about all the niggas at my place and of course since I'm playing host, many of these guys were in my face in some way or another. He finally pulled me aside to have a conversation on my balcony and things got really (college) real. He confessed how he felt about me. How seeing me with other guys made him feel and I felt we reached a breakthrough. Oh, he about to be my MAN man. Sadly mistaken.
A few days maybe weeks after that party, he was at my place in the morning, met up with me after class feeling some type of way about a panel he attended about Beyonce's Lemonade. Needless to say, he left and I did not hear from that man. He stopped responding to my texts, didn't return a phone call, nothing for...THREE WEEKS. 3 of them. I was so hurt, so confused. He finally called me randomly one night talking about how he was going through things and how he shuts down. I told him, him needing alone time is perfectly fine I just wish he would have told me that. The stark communication issues started here. Though he apologized, things were off. I was moving out of state soon, which was another hinderance of our budding relationship and the next time I saw him was at my going away party. Things got really interesting there. Now, I'm not going to go into the very weird details of that night because this is not that kind of blog, but to make an extremely long story short that night ended with me butt naked trying to fight him. Fight for real. Calling him a bitch, being called a hoe amongst other things and our relationship being entirely tarnished from then on, as far as I could tell. It was an absolute mess as you could probably imagine. We had a chat after that, but nothing was resolved and from what I could see we were estranged for the rest of our time on this Earth. I knew at this point for sure I loved him, but things seemed irrevocably ruined. I was devastated for awhile, but I continued my life. Graduated from college, moved to a brand new state, and started fresh.
I was settled into my new home, about 2 months into being a brand new middle school teacher and for some reason Nathan entered my head again and I could not get him out...BUT, I refused to reach out. Hell, I was sure I was blocked. After thinking him up for almost 2 weeks, I got a phone call from an unidentified Atlanta number and guess who it wasss. It was like a Tuesday, we talked until 4am. It was like we hadn't skipped a beat. My ass was skipping around school the next day like I won the lottery and ya know what else? By that very weekend, I was picking Nathan up from the Little Rock airport. We had a truly nostalgic and yummy weekend. We were back on track and I was excited for our story to continue. He told me to let him now the next time I was in Atlanta and I was going to make SURE I did that.
I ended up making plans to visit Atlanta about 3 months later. I let him know in advance and we made plans to connect again. I was TOO excited. The time soon arrived and on my drive from Arkansas (8 hours) we were on the phone and talking about our date plans to go to the museum. He was excited, I was beyond and once I touched down in Atlanta, I called to solidify our plans. He mentioned on the phone, that he forgot about a vision board party a friend of his was planning, but that he was going to call to find out the logistics about that and call me right back. I get in the shower, get ready and after about an hour passes, I text him to see what was up. No response. Now, I was practicing not letting my pride block my blessings, so I text him again. No response. I done drove all this way, we were JUST on the phone, I KNOW he's about to contact me. Nah. I call him. No response. Of course by this time I'm thinking something happened to him, so I call one last time just to be sure and again, nothing. However, he posts a dumbasss meme on IG in this time, so at least I know now he is alive and in nobody's jail.
Face. Cracked. I was beside myself. Like...what the fuck? WHAT??? Could not believe I got played like this. I was so hurt and luckily had other plans for my weekend and did not visit just for him...so back to regularly scheduled programs I guess. But, I was just so confused, to state lightly. Never got an explanation. Never got an apology. I blamed myself for the embarrassment, years passed, and the way life works...I ended up moving back to Atlanta.
We reconnected AGAIN. I felt I am back in the city and "third times a charm." This was the love of my life! I do not know why it took me so long to come to the conclusion that CLEARLY homeboy did not love me the way I loved him, but I thought...just one more chance just to make sure. He had definitely used the L word with me in the past, but clearly...that did not matter. I kept making excuses for his "displays of love, his Casper acts. We connected again once I was in Atlanta and made plans to meet up for some little music event. Of course nothing about our lat mishap was mentioned and me trying to focus on the positive, didn't bring it up either. He said he would contact me the next day about the event and again, did not hear from him. Saw on his IG later that night that he was at said event and that is when things finally clicked for me. It took me being embarrassed multiple times for me to finally let go of how amazing I thought we could be. I learned so many lessons through Nathan, but most of all learned that...
1. Love is as love does.
2. No matter how hard you try or how strongly you feel about someone you can not make them reciprocate similar feelings.
3. There are many people for you. To this day I feel Nathan, was ONE OF my soulmates but clearly a life of love with him was not our destiny.
Try as you will. Put your pride aside. Put yourself out there. I do not regret giving Nathan all of me and multiple chances. I loved him. But ultimately, I knew when it was time to close the chapter and was able to open myself up to experiences and love that didn't tear me apart in the process.
Here's a playlist. My first story playlist. It is meant to be played in order and I attempted to musically articulate the ups and downs, the cycle, that is love. It starts at heartbreak, of course, but brings you right back into the joy. Only 10 songs. Inspired by an album from one of my fav R&B groups, DVSN's A Muse In Her Feelings.
Always evolving, always growing, and forever toasting to love.